GorillaKilla Dating Hacks 101, Mr. Clean Your Apartment

Cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to women.

That’s a line we use a lot around these parts. But, in this case, we are not referring to men’s grooming habits. We’re going to straight into the Lion’s Den and dropping this guide on preparing and cleaning your apartment/house/tent/teepee for both the unexpected and expected female visitors.

No matter what the circumstance, you’ve done all the right things to get the girl of your dreams (or the girl du jour) to either accept a dinner invitation at your place or to go back to your place. What can possibly go wrong? Well, how about everything? Bringing a guest into your house is like letting them see what goes on backstage. “Is this guy really as well put together as he appears or is it all just smoke and mirrors?” Your apartment is the “tell all.” It tells the girl the real you.

Let’s break this down into categories.

Category One is the cleanliness and hygiene of your home. Category Two is the profile of your home.

Falling under Category One is odor, overall cleanliness, and your bathroom. The bathroom stands alone because it can trump the rest of the residence. A spotless and odor free bathroom can carry a lot of weight and potentially offset other deficiencies like a carpet that wasn’t freshly vacuumed or a cluttered bedroom. On the flip side, a dirty bathroom can give you a failing grade even if everything else is picture perfect.

Under Category Two is décor, evidence of ex-girlfriends (or other girlfriends), porn, bongs, booze and books.

“Now your Mom threw away your best porno mag”

Well, those days are over and you have a place of your own to hide in plain site your vintage porn and other paraphernalia all around your home, ready and waiting for you to consume it at your leisure. This paraphernalia needs to be stowed away in their respective places. Get rid of empties (or worse, half-filled empties) occupying every flat surface of real estate in your apartment. While you’re at it, scrub out that five-foot petri dish you call a refrigerator and the science experiments in your kitchen and bathroom. If you take care of these few items you’re halfway to creating a home girls won’t want to leave the moment they walk in.

Finished with that? Great, but let’s not start stroking each other quite yet.

We still have carpets to vacuum, floors to clean, beds to make, and clothes to launder. Also, make sure you don’t leave a roll of TP on the nightstand. Taking care of all these items is sure to not just improve on general appearance but also help get rid of that all too familiar aroma of “Man Funk.” By the way, TP on the nightstand shows you are normal but also classless. Leaving Wet Wipes on the nightstand is an indication of being a player.

Leftover food and empty beer cans aren’t the only things you need to clean up. Think of your apartment as a crime scene and be sure you bag all evidence of past conquests. Additionally, avoid a walk down mammary lane with the next lovely that you invite to your apartment. Nothing kills your sexual mojo faster than evidence you're still pining for someone else. This includes: sweet couple pictures, an extra toothbrush, skin moisturizer clearly branded for women, etc.

Living in a dump is somewhat expected when you're a freshman in the dorms. A grown man who has an apartment that smells like a gym locker is a major deal breaker.

Let’s look at décor and repeat after me, “Simple is Your Friend:” it’s time to ditch the neon beer signs, the SOLO cup ‘glassware, and bikini clad posters. All of these things are great, and have a place and time, but that time and place over. It’s expected you own: towels and sheets that aren’t frayed, proper lighting with lampshades not tapestries, actual curtains or blinds instead of towels/flags/tapestries, and a couch that looks like something you can relax on, not scratch and sniff and play “remember when.” You should display things that show your interests like books, running medals, trophies, artwork, etc.  

No time? We aren’t going to leave you hanging. Use our 10 Minute Quick Clean-Up to help you get over the finish line.

Here’s what you do:

1. Make bed
2. Wipe down every surface of your toilet bowl both inside and outside, wipe down the sink with Clorox wipes and get rid of the cracked soap
3. Wipe down kitchen counters using Clorox wipes
4. Quick vacuum
5. De-clutter all surfaces of your home including the Ex evidence
6. Toss the trash
7. Finally, spray the hell out of everything with Febreze!

Using the chart and rating key below, here are expectations by age for all the clean categories we touched upon.

Scale of 1-4 ★★★★

★ -Little or No Expectation

★★ -Should Know Better

★★★ -It’s Expected

★★★★ -No Excuses

Now you have everything you need to do and why you need to do it. Similar to men’s grooming, you’ll only see and hear the benefits as opposed to being left with thinking “that was going so well, what happened?”

Happy Hunting!